The Advantage of Joint Goals in Couples: Understanding and Alignment

Photo by Katarzyna Grabowska on Unsplash

As we reach mature adulthood, many of us will have been, or are in, in long-term relationships spanning several years, if not decades. The foundations of these relationships are intertwined, habitual and consistent. When we consider long-term relationships, especially in later life, we often celebrate togetherness; the feeling of something cozy and familiar. What if the real driving force behind relationship satisfaction and relational flourishing is not simply about being together, but about understanding the nature of what is being shared? Existing together in both space and value with shared goals that are consistent with reality, is perhaps the secret to relationship alignment and a successful partnership.

In research from 2021, Ungar and colleagues explored the psychology and biology of joint goals in older couples. The results showed that couples who independently had goals of their own that matched that of their partners celebrated greater relationship satisfaction, as well as overall health. Interestingly, the most telling part of this study revealed that it was not simply about feeling connected that drives satisfaction in couples, but instead the accurate perception of shared intention will drive more progress towards those goals. Accurate shared goals were also linked to lower allostatic load, which are the effects of chronic stress accumulated over time, in other words, less stress related wear and tear. This does not mean that couples who feel good about their relationship must exist together in a space of shared goals, but the relatedness to each other through aligned intention is likely to improve the functioning of the relationship.

A distinction to consider is the psychological rift between goal perception and goal reality. Perceived joint goals is what each partner thinks they share, but this may not link to the reality of those goals and realisation of them. It’s likely that people attribute their own goals to their partner, especially when they spend a lot of time with each other. The research did find that couples still felt closer and more unified knowing that their partner did not share their ambitions; we could liken this to a rose tinted phenomena. Feeling good, however, is not necessarily synonymous with functioning well.

But what of the price of misalignment?

Consider cumulative chronic stress as a tax paid by the body, higher chronic stress may increase cardiovascular risk, fatigue and aging. Couples with a mismatch (who thought they were aligned but actually weren’t), did not exhibit the same physical or behavioural benefits. When this is considered, goals don’t just seem like mental maps, but shapers of behaviour, habit, problem-solving and resilience.

Attributing this to other areas of life; professional, personal, relational, extends to further messages about goal alignment. Shared language does not equal a shared reality; just because people say they are on the same page, it doesn’t mean they are. Organisations, friendships and families can all suffer from the same over-reporting bias. Alignment matters because people need it to move forward together, or it risks becoming a shallow comfort without shared action to support it. To be consciously aware allows clarity in harmony. When looking deeper, the way we look at partnerships may need reframing entirely. Love and collaboration, when rooted in accurate mental understanding, become frameworks both for psychological and physiological flourishing. When rooted in assumption, while they feel good in the short term may miss the mark in the long term.

It is a human need to hunger for connection, oftentimes just the belief in a unity can feel more satisfying than the work of genuine alignment, but life doesn’t thrive on illusion alone. It thrives on clarity, coordination and honest confrontation. It requires courageous conversations about what we share, and what we don’t. If willing to examine the narratives we blindly hold, perhaps unity can be more easily reached. Shared goals are not intrinsically perfect, but developed, communicated and improved on.

Answering from a depth psychology perspective, couples over reporting shared goals is not necessarily a cognitive error but a protective myth. We unconsciously construct (whether in a partnership or not) narratives that preserve our identities, that maintain attachment and meaning. Feeling like the other half of the couple wants the same thing creates a shared symbol, a defence against existential anxiety, aging or separation. The couple begins to function as one, a joint goal, in Jungian terms, can become part of the couple’s persona. This persona is the socially acceptable exhibition of unity, masking the shadow material, elements such as unspoken resentments and diverging desires. Inaccurate shared goals may still predict relationship satisfaction for this reason; the psyche rewards coherence, even if it may be fictional. The body disagrees. It cannot agree with the myth as it responds to the lived reality and perceived stress. The symbolism of ‘us’ that doesn’t align creates a tension in our physiology and the shadow does not disappear but travels into the somatic and what we refuse to consciously acknowledge and negotiate in our relationships is paid for unconsciously, over time, in the body.

For the full research paper published in Frontiers Psychology, 2021, find the link here: Frontiers | Joint Goals in Older Couples: Associations With Goal Progress, Allostatic Load, and Relationship Satisfaction

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