Inner Democracy: Coaching Success Stems from Self-Regulation

Photo by Sandip Karangiya on Unsplash

How does one differentiate between self-regulation and self-control?

Self-management is often mistaken for self-control: a muscle of grit, willpower, and resistance. It’s where most people begin in coaching. Yet, perhaps, the focus is in the wrong place; Maybe what’s needed is not an inner dictator, but an inner democracy, the only force that makes change last. Real coaching works when one’s defences end; behavioural change does not stem from clinging harder, but in letting go, redefining what it means to be disciplined.

Self-control looks like the inner manager, it directs to remain dominant of one’s inner chaos, shouting louder than everything else, aiming to make change, to push through. But what if real growth doesn’t rely on having greater control, but from better self-regulation? Research by Mühlberger and colleagues suggests the reality that it relies on something quieter, deeper and more subversive; integrated self-congruent alignment of emotional, cognitive and motivational systems. All parts are allowed a voice; not just those that look good in performance reviews.

The suggestion lies in this; the inner dictator hinders growth, the inner democracy may be the only thing that saves it.

So what drives coaching success?

Coaching can have significant long term effects, challenging the machinery of authentic change. It does not just drive motivation to follow through, but enables people to improve in their navigation of their own needs, emotions and internal conflicts – self-regulation. When self-regulation increases, people will achieve their goals, not by pushing harder, but by seeing clearly, aligning better.

But, an important note, these benefits rely on the trust built between the coach and the coachee. The success becomes visible through slowing down and accepting reflection, allowing the coach to help tap into deeper layers of the self, enabling inner coherence rather than inner discipline.

While self-control does produce short term results through met deadlines, the forcing of habits and the ability to complete a checklist, self-regulation allows for understanding of internal signals instead of suppressing them. It opens up the possibility of behavioural adjustments, accessing deeper motives, values and emotions during decision making and moving towards goals that actually align with the individual. Self-regulation is the curation of the ecosystem, the system that is allowed to grow.

So why does this matter for leaders?

The undisputed rhetoric is that leaders must have self-control to remain resilient and disciplined. There is reward from powering through the discomfort, yet this is unsustainable, resulting in burnout, compliance and, worse, internal rebellion. People do not resist effort, they resist inauthenticity. The real failure does not stem from weakness, but from striving towards goals that do not align. When coaching improves self-regulation, people begin to choose goals aligning with their deeper motives.

And that’s when they stick.

Imagine an environment produced solely by people acting from internal alignment and not obligation, where leaders cultivate self-access in the place of promoting productivity hacks. Coaching is not about polishing one’s performance, but instead establishing psychological truth.

The research hints at a crucial point; coaching doesn’t change people, the relationship does. The value comes from forming trust, allowing a person space to be curious, to explore what comes up. Self-regulation cannot be taught, it must be unlocked, and a coach will not provide the answers, they will offer the silent parts of the self, condemned by performance culture, a voice.

The challenge is, then, how to determine which voice is right, even if one is louder. Where in life is self-control taking charge where self-regulation should be present instead? How often do work goals align with personal ones? How often is the internal manager dictating action?

Perhaps coaching is not about becoming better, but about becoming more aligned. It is not necessarily about acquiring more control but establishing a better connection that starts inward and then is allowed outward.

The self is not one voice, but a collection of many, determined by depth psychology, that is now being outlined by recent coaching research. The self is a congregation of parts, motives, shadows and subpersonalities; complexes. When inner voices are exiled, split off or suppressed, behaviour is left to become rigid, yet the fluidity is what promotes growth and self-regulation. Coaching as a guide to improved self-regulation opens the psychological processes that allow deeper motives to surface as a result of internal noise reduction, integrating emotional signals as opposed to battling them. Recognising the shadow promotes harmony of conflicting hidden agendas. Self-control can be viewed, by contrast, as the ego’s attempt to dominate the psyche through force; it is repression dressed up as productivity and, while compliant, it stirs up inner backlash, guilt and conflict of knowing what to do but being unable. So instead of allowing self-control to take the helm, maybe the conversation inspired by self-regulation will promote sustainable change, and it may be the case that motivation problems are, in fact, integration problems.

For the full research paper published in the Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology, 2024, follow this link: (PDF) Zooming in on the self in workplace coaching: Self‐regulation and its connection to coaching success

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