Emotional Regulation and Mutuality: The Neuroscience Behind Mutual Understanding

Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash

We are not the autonomous, self-contained individuals we assume to be, not psychological, emotionally or even neurologically. New research in Neuroscience poses inquisitive understanding about the advantages of human connection, or true mutuality. This is connection not through physical touch or reassurance, but from understanding. When we feel deeply understood by others, our brains react differently to danger.  Going beyond attachment theory or day to day relationship advice, this proposes a conflicting message to the modern expectancy of ‘self-sufficiency’, and strength and resilience thrives not through grit, mindfulness or sheer force of will, but by sharing life with others, a shared emotional understanding known as mutuality.

In a study from 2013, researchers discovered the brain changes in response to threat when a partner is present and when they are not. The reality of the outcome was not based on proximity or traditional support, but, instead, the quality of the relationships; feeling understood and seen by someone else regulates the nervous systems. The brain is not independent; it is socially attuned. High mutuality, a deep relational intertwine, dampened activity in brain regions involved in anticipating threat and regulating emotion; in other words, not only did people feel better, but their brains stopped bracing for impact. Connection is an integral factor in biology, it amplifies regulation, cognitive and emotional resource are not expended when the nervous system feels socially anchored. Mutuality could be considered a neurobiological efficiency upgrade, reducing the cost of being human.

Professionals love the concept of independence and self-reliance, it demonstrates ability and competence, to handle things on their own. But what if the body knows better? The extra expense in exhaustion, vigilance and emotional overwhelm, the physiological costs, could be avoided with genuine mutuality. Perhaps this can help leaders lead better, professionals avoid burnout without compromising their work, perhaps it’s a missed opportunity. When the brain expects connection as a baseline state of safety, does chronic isolation become a subtle threat? Living constantly always slightly bracing for impact?

Is this why leaders operate with constant underlying tension? Or why so many high performers feel wired even when nothing is wrong? Being surrounded by people means nothing if the relationships are superficial, teamwork doesn’t mean mutuality, a marriage could be meaningless. The nervous system feels alone; the brain knows the difference.

So what is the difference between mutuality and support?

From the outside they may look similar, but upon deeper inspection, mutuality is much harder. Support could be as simple as offering advice or a word of encouragement, but mutuality demands presence, curiosity and letting someone’s inner self matter – understanding life from their point of view, and while support will reduce loneliness, mutuality reduces threat.

The reality is that this is not cultivated as often as it could be, it is so rare in our personal lives, so of course is even rarer in the workplace, taught to perform competence, avoid being a burden to others, wearing emotional armour in the name of professionalism or maturity. It’s probably why everyone is so tired.

Leading people is not an easy task, but being able to have and generate relationships – true mutuality – with others can lift people out of threat mode. Cultivating a reciprocal understanding and a shared psychological space develops creativity, cognition, trust and reduces defensiveness. Learning to demonstrate understanding could be the make or break in a team dynamic, the key to an individual’s success, and the little push someone may need to relax.

If so infrequently we feel understood, and not just validated or listened to, what is the repercussion on our lives? How often do people practice understanding others, if ever? Mutuality is a choice and a practice, and it may be hard work, but the unconscious work our brains do without it is harder. It’s about time we admit that our brains are shaped by relationship.

Looking at mutuality from a depth psychology perspective, there’s another layer, one that cannot be described by a brain scan. The psyche knows our unconscious defences, the ones built up over a lifetime, is softened by mutuality. The shadow is invited out of hiding; the disowned and exiled parts that are feared, that we don’t want to show. Sharing the whole of our own human experiences with others without judgement and with true understanding, our psychic armour loosens, old identities are stabilised. Perhaps this is why such deep connections feel, simultaneously, a welcomed need and a threat, allowing another person through the door that’s been closed for survival, when in actual fact, we do not need to survive, we need to live. This is human relationship functioning as alchemy, allowing the unconscious to move, speak and reshape itself. Mutuality, then, is not only a calming force, but a psychic catalyst, not built for solitude, but for resonance.

For the full study published in Attachment and Human Development, 2013, find the link here: Mutuality and the social regulation of neural threat responding - PMC

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